When it rains, it POURS! :(

Back from my 38 week appointment and gotta say that I'm discouraged. Absolutely no change from last week (still 2cm and 70%), so that was sad to hear. I've already been in a bad mood as it is and I'm under a lot of stress. I'm TRYING to be positive and know that he will come in due time when he's ready but I'm tired. I'm exhausted after working 50 hour work weeks just so I can save my PTO for maternity leave and then coming home just to clean house and take care of our 15 month old son practically by myself while hubby surfs the internet or plays video games. I'm overworked, underpaid, and at the end of my rope... at 9 months pregnant you'd think my hubby would be willing to give me a break and that this kid would decide he wants to come and play with his big brother. NOT!

I'm really upset, mad, pissed, disappointed (you name it) with Aaron right now. He lost his job on the 16th because his company went bankrupt and he's been "supposedly" looking for new jobs, etc. He also had a cell phone through his work so we cancelled his personal one since his work was paying for his other one and there was no need to have two. Well now that he's out of a job, he doesn't have a cell phone and needs one so I can contact him and so that future employers can contact him for interview purposes, so I loaned mine to him. I have the lowest plan possible to save $$ and also because I'm not a big "talker"... so I only have 450 minutes and it's always been more than enough for me. I know millions of people are going to call asking if the baby is here yet, and when he is then people are going to call to check on us or see if they can visit, so I'm anticipating a lot of time on the phone this month and wanted to save my minutes. Well I come to find out that my monthly plan JUST renewed on the 21st and in 4 days he has managed to use 311 out of my 450 minutes to talk to his friend about video games...rough guess, but that's close to an hour and a half a day. I just had to call Verizon and increase my plan to avoid insane over-charges. So, he's done nothing... not one job has been applied for in almost 2 weeks. And he lied to me when he told me 2 weeks ago that he knew how serious this was and that he wasn't going to get sidetracked or procrastinate...I told him I KNEW this would happen and he said it wouldn't. And then he gets angry and starts cussing at me and berating me because I have a valid reason to be mad and he "just doesn't want to hear it" because he knows I'm right! So, I can never vent to him about anything because he makes me feel even worse about it like I have no right to be upset...and then I just cry more. In two weeks all he's managed to do is file for unemployment and food stamps. Hasn't even finished "revamping" his resume yet.

Needless to say I've repossessed my cell phone and I've taken all of his gaming controllers so he can't play any more video games. Our cable TV has been disconnected and since we use the PS3 as our DVD player and he doesn't have the controllers, he can't watch movies either. If I find out he's resorting to playing online computer games, I'll be password-protecting the computer and I won't tell him the password so he'll have no choice but to go to the library to work...and since it's a library he won't have access to any gaming sites so he'll be forced to actually do what he's supposed to. Is it really sad that I feel like I have to act as a "mother" to my 23 year old husband when I don't feel it's my place and don't WANT to? I WANT to trust him and I don't want to nag, but I feel like I can't trust him now and that I have to make him give me "progress reports" so I know he's staying on task. And I HATE that although he apparently thinks I enjoy being a total "witch". He says that he's a "man" and an "adult" and "doesn't need to be policed" but where is the proof? I'm just really hurt by it and he doesn't understand nor does he respond well to criticism.

Not to mention that here I am trying an NCB (natural birth) and now I have no support. My whole family thinks I'm a quack and that I'm going to beg for the drugs so they are no help whatsoever. I was going to look into hiring a doula a couple months ago because I felt totally unsupported by Aaron and my stepmom and I wanted to make sure I had someone to advocate for me, but after talking to them both they reassured me that they would be there to support me and to aid me with NCB so I didn't. Now we cannot afford a doula with him being out of a job and me supporting us as much as I can. However, he said he was going to go through all of my HypnoBabies material (he said the same thing like 20 weeks ago!) and it sat on the table for weeks before I realized he's just blowing smoke up my butt so I put it away... now here I am at 38 weeks pregnant and he hasn't even so much as LOOKED at the books!!! Nothing! And it's only when he knows I'm downright angry with him for something that he even mentions it by saying, "Oh, I WANT to go through the HypnoBabies stuff with you and I promise I'm going to read it..."

So, now I feel like I'm pretty much attempting this NCB all on my own with no support and I'm scared shitless (pardon my language). I have no one. I haven't slept since 3am because I've been so upset with my hubby that I've been crying all morning and couldn't stand the sight of sleeping next to him with his mouth wide open, drooling, and having him smell like he's rolled over in cow poop because I don't know when he last showered. I tried to mask the nasty odor with Oust this morning and now my bedroom just smells like lemon-scented poop.

Then on top of that, Jayden is sick AGAIN! Since late January he's been fighting 2 ear infections, mild pneumonia, and pink eye...and now his daycare provider says he "may" have been exposed to chicken pox. Great. Also, our apartment complex keeps charging us for random crap and even THEY don't know what they are charging us for, but WE have to fix it by next week or it will affect our renter's history. Yet they won't return ANY of my phone calls...and it's been 5 days!Also, we are getting rid of two of our cats because they pee on everything in sight. AND (oh yes, there's more!) I come to find out that my FMLA claims at work were denied because the people in charge of my leave supposedly didn't get the paperwork from my doctor's office 2 weeks ago so now I have to go through the benefits administrator at my work to get my request expedited since I go on leave next Friday (or sooner if Jax comes). They were supposed to approve it yesterday and they still haven't even gotten back to her.

I hate being so negative...really I do. I'm usually not this way, but I'm just so tired of feeling like no one understands, nor do they care to. I really am a happy, peppy person. I can't vent to my husband because he just makes me feel even more like crap and I really don't have that many friends. The "friends" I do have don't even bother to initiate contact or follow-up on any contact I make with them...only lame excuses as to why they are sorry that they can't e-mail or pick up the phone. And especially none with kids who can even come close to relating to where I am with my life. Sadly, I confide in strangers who I will never meet or anyone who happens to run across my blog. I can't talk to my mom or sister about it because I don't want to get them involved in my problems and risk turning my life into a "Jerry Springer" episode...but they are also the closest I have to "best friends". And, because I'm so busy with trying to just keep up with life, I don't even feel like I have time to make new friends...nor would I know where to start. It's all kind of sad really... And I'm sure with the craptastic attitude I've been displaying lately, no one would want to be around me anyway.

I could really just use some encouragement right now. I'm about to snap... I just want to get back to being "me". The happy, smiling, glass-half-full me. If you find her, please let me know... I could use a good dose of cheer!