The Silver Lining

I know it's only been a few hours since my last post, but that's been more than enough time for me to do some thinking and I've come to a conclusion. One of the things I mentioned in my last blog is that I wanted to get back to being the real "me". The real me has a sunny disposition, and my last few posts have not portrayed that in any way...or at least I don't think so. Yes, I've been stressed and I'm uncomfortable and all that, but I don't think that it means I need to be such a "Negative Nancy" so I've decided that if I truly want to get back to being me, I need to look at the bright side of things. I need to start somewhere and sometime...now is just as good as any time and place. Being negative wastes way too much energy and being 9 months pregnant AND chasing after a toddler means you need as much energy as you can get!! I'd much rather save my energy for something better than being a grouch.

So... just a few positive things to start myself off:

1. I have much to be grateful for. I do have a loving husband (despite my disgruntled attitude towards him in my last post), a very handsome little boy whom I cherish every moment with (my current favorite is rocking him to sleep at night where I can just cuddle up next to him with his blanket and stuffed dinosaur), and another equally wonderful little boy on the way who I am so excited to finally meet. I have a roof over my head and at least one of us still has a job in today's economy. I know that there are many people who would love to be in my shoes right now, and I should focus on the things I DO have...not the things I don't or that I wish I had.

2. Just because I don't feel supported doesn't mean I still can't achieve my desired natural birth. One of the key stressors in my books is that my attempt at HypnoBabies is only as successful as I allow myself to make it, and having a positive frame of mind is essential to its success. Not that I would even view myself as a "failure" if I didn't achieve my NCB (let's face it: giving birth to a child, no matter how it's done, is one of life's most amazing experiences ever and I don't see how any woman/mother could ever be disappointed in bringing her child into the world), but I know that it's something I'm extremely passionate about and it would mean so much to me to be able to give my baby the start in life I've envisioned and would be so gratifying to me. ** And I think this was one of my key reasons for being so depressed is that I felt that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the weeks leading up to my son's arrival and that I wouldn't enjoy his birth experience with everything going on right now.**

3. Everything has a way of working out. I'm sure that the apartment situation will be resolved soon, Aaron will eventually find a job, and I also learned at the end of the day that since my benefits administrator knows of my leave and that I've submitted the paperwork and knowing it's an "approved leave" that even if I go into labor now...I'm covered. Phew! Not to mention our house is much more peaceful with one less feline friend around (although I do miss her) and Jayden is recovering nicely from being sick (I think he's starting to pass it to me, but that's besides the point...). So everything will be fine.

4. I won't be pregnant forever. Despite my incessant whining as of late, I should just be grateful that my pregnancy has gone so well and that my baby is healthy. I know of some people who struggle to have kids of their own, lose their children in the womb, or have to bury their babies/children shortly thereafter. I need to count my blessings and know that Jaxson will come soon. 2 weeks, even 3 weeks at most, isn't an eternity even if it feels like one and he will be here before I know it. I truly am grateful that my son is happy and healthy and growing strong. That's what I should focus on. And who knows...maybe he will surprise us and come early anyway! :)

5. People like happy people! No one likes to be around someone who is negative and grumpy all the time. I think that I am a likable person, and I KNOW that people see that...but sometimes I'm so critical of myself that I think people don't. I DO have a few friends, and although it would be great for me to get out and meet other moms and make more friends it's not like I'm a complete loser. I have many people who love me and care about me and I'm truly happy for that and I feel very blessed. Sometimes I guess I just feel that I don't get as much time to myself or to cultivate good lasting friendships, but I can change that. Also, I want people to look at me as a fun person to be around...someone that they enjoy and who can be a beacon of light in a dark place. I want people to feel comfortable and at ease with me... I want to be "approachable". I am that person, and I want to continue to be that person. I don't want people to see me in a negative light because it really is far from the reality of who Shannon is.

There's plenty more, but those were some things that came to my mind. Also a few more little snippets...

First off, I need to apologize to my husband. I know on occasion he reads this blog and I just wanted to say sorry for anything offensive in my original post. Aaron, the whole purpose was NOT to make you feel bad or hurt you despite how I felt at the time. I wasn't purposely trying to be offensive. I think we both know that we can both get carried away when we are angry or have been hurt, and I don't think I have any excuses for the mean-spirited nature of my words. I did need to vent, and I wanted to do it somewhere that felt "safe" to do it. I didn't want to cause drama and get family involved, but I didn't want to hold it in and be angry longer either. This is about as close to a "diary" as I will get, so this is where it landed. I know you are a good person so please don't think that I think less of you. We all have our faults. I've just been frustrated with some things lately and needed to get it off my chest. So, I'm sorry if I hurt you and I want you to know that it was never my intention and that I do love you very much. We just need to keep each other focused and we WILL get through this. God is with us.

Also, I wanted to extend a "thank you" to Brianne Makanani for her kind comment on my last blog. Brianne, I just wanted you to know that I truly appreciate what you said and I completely agree with you... and it made so much sense after I read it. To be completely honest, it was exactly what I needed to hear at just the right time and it meant a lot that you shared that with me. So thank you...very much.

It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining, even if the day is dull and dreary...foggy and rainy. Even when the rain pours, I need to remember that the sun is never far behind and there's always a rainbow at the end. Instead of using my energy to complain about the rain, I need to keep that reminder fresh that there is always a silver lining and that I must seek it.