A Daughter

Call this a stream of consciousness if you will... I've had a lot on my mind lately, a recurring thought, an internal conflicting sense of deja vu.

First let me preface this whole disjointed thought by saying that I am proud to be a mother of all boys, I am extremely grateful for my boys---and for many other things including the fact that I am physically able to bear children, have had relatively healthy pregnancies, & easy deliveries, etc. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in this world and I have faith that God understand my purpose and direction in life better than I do. I trust in His judgment, but I still feel like there's something missing from my life: a daughter. While this may just sound silly, selfish, and stupid to some it is a valid feeling regardless that I have a desire to express. I don't care if anyone reads this or not. Honestly, I think it's theraputic for me just to get it all out somewhere versus internally dwelling on it.

I've always wanted to have a larger family, even since I was a little girl. I love children and I always imagined myself with quite the brood of my own. I'm not talking along the lines of the Duggars and having 20 kids, but 4,5, or 6 was totally fine with me. In addition to that, I always envisioned myself with a daughter. Maybe it's because I have such a close relationship with my mom mixed with the girly-girl side of me, but I always wanted to experience those moments in life my mom experienced with me with my own daughter. When I met Aaron, we both had a "deal breaker" for the two of us; he couldn't be with someone who wouldn't allow him to play video games & computer games... and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want and/or support having a larger family. I wanted 4 kids at least, more was negotiable, but 4 was my minimum. We both agreed to each other's deal breakers, but here we are now 7 years and 3 kids later and while I still have the desire to have one more child, my husband does not... or at least he isn't sure he wants any more. To be honest, this has been a constant sore spot in our relationship, which isn't completely on the best of terms right now because of our disagreements, and I'm sure it will continue to be.

On 2 main levels, I feel let down. I feel like I was lied to or betrayed on one end because I feel like if you make a promise and agree to something, you should keep your word... not sugar coat or tell me something you think you are okay with or that you want me to hear to keep me complacent. Be honest and stick to your guns. My family is one thing I am terribly passionate about and it's hard to let go of what I always wanted as far as family size. In addition, I had not mentally prepared myself for this to be my last pregnancy, and at 25 years old, I feel somewhat sad at realizing that my childbearing years are already almost at an end when most of my friends haven't even started. I'm still so young, and frankly just not ready to be done. We also unintentionally had our kids so close in age that I feel like I haven't really been able to enjoy pregnancy to the fullest because I feel like I've practically been pregnant for the last 3 years. And we never really tried to get pregnant. While that would be a huge blessing for some, and I'm grateful we can conceive without difficulty, there's also just something about trying and anticipating that positive test instead of being completely blindsided about it. I feel like I sort of missed that experience.

On the other side, with this being our third (and most likely last) child, and third boy... I'm also sort of mourning the loss of the daughter I most likely will never have. That little girl I dreamed of since I was little is no more than a figment of my imagination. I'll never buy frilly dresses or cute hair bows, nor will I be there to help her pick out her wedding dress, or be the person she can talk to about her first boyfriend or about when she starts blossoming into a woman. I won't be there to hold her hand and tell her how wonderful of a job she's doing as she welcomes her first (or 2nd or 3rd) child into the world, or tell her she is absolutely radiant as a pregnant woman. Raising a son (or three) is a whole different ballgame... one I will get to experience in spades. And while I am grateful for all the things I will or may experience with my boys, there are still fundamental differences. Yes, I will get many a mother-son dance at their weddings (and will hopefully have some wonderful daughters-in-law to take under my wing as my own), and I will proudly be cheering from the sidelines when my sons score their first touchdown or hit their first home run... and as proud as I am and as much as I love my boys, there's still that imaginary daughter that ceases to exist.

I am trying my hardest to allow myself to feel the way I feel, praying and hoping that with time it will dissipate, while at the same time reminding myself how blessed I am to be a mother of boys and just how much joy they truly do bring me. Thinking of all of the things that are still to come in their lives that I get to experience along with them brings a smile to my face. I love them all so much individually and as a collective that I feel like my heart could just burst. I would never love a daughter more than my sons, despite my deep desire to have one, as I love all my children equally and could never love one over the other. My children are my world. I just am trying to find that delicate balance between allowing myself to feel the loss of my "dream" while savoring every moment of the reality that I have been grateful to live. A part of me feels silly, selfish, and just plain awful about feeling "incomplete" because I know that my children do complete me no matter what. I don't want to ever feel or have them feel inadequate because it couldn't be farther from the truth. At the same time, I know I am not the first or last person to feel this way and I need to go through the motions and emotions of this in order to overcome it once and for all. But why is it that a common and natural emotion feels so unnatural to feel? Why do I feel ashamed yet justified at the same time? Someday I will look back on this all and realize how silly I was, but for now it's real and in the moment.

And who knows? Maybe there is another child in our future, but that is up to my husband and God if that is something in the cards for us. And while there's no guarantee that any future child would be the daughter I dreamed of so long ago, it does give me a small sliver of hope. But for now, I am the mother of 3 beautiful and wonderful little boys and with each passing day I will continue to remind myself just how great life is with sons and how grateful I am that I was blessed to be here in their journey from little boys to young men and beyond. I am glad that I can be called their mother and guide them through life, no matter how they may need me. I embrace the role I have to play in their lives and I do not want to miss out on any single moment, and despite my current state of mind, I certainly don't want this feeling to take any more time or focus off of the three most wonderful and amazing sons I could have been blessed with. They deserve all of me... and all of me they shall have.