Baby fever, that is. It's not full blown yet, but it's slowly creeping in on me. I've got two boys close in age which has its ups and downs, and ideally I'd like to have a little more of an age gap between Jaxson and baby #3 but I'm noticing that I'm really starting to warm up to the idea of another baby soon. The part that bugs me? My definition of soon is not soon enough. Our original plan was to start trying for another baby at the end of this year or early next year so that Jaxson and the new one would be about 2-3 years apart...but that may not happen. See, we recently got thrown for another loop when Aaron's mom said she wouldn't be watching Jaxson anymore which means that Aaron and I somehow have to cough up another $800 a month for daycare. I already pay $880 for Jayden so with both boys in daycare I'm essentially working to send my entire paycheck to our daycare provider. It's doable, but barely. We'd be getting through by the seat of our pants.
Why would I do that, you ask? Well, ideally I'd stay home with the kids once it got to the point where I was working just to pay their daycare, but oddly enough it would still actually be saving us money every month for me to still work. Why? Because I work for our health insurance company and I essentially pay about 1/5 the price that it would cost Aaron to cover all of us through his employer. Oh wait! ...He doesn't have one. At least not a permanent one. His last company closed due to bankruptcy last March and since September he's been on a contract job which is up on the 27th. After that it's either back on unemployment until they find him a new contract job, or they may even have a new job lined up for him by then. Even if he was able to get a permanent position somewhere making good money, once Baby #3 got here we'd eventually need to put him/her in daycare as well (most likely) or I'd have to quit my job which I'd gladly do if it was the best option. If we would have to do the former...that's another $800 a month. Something doesn't sit right with me paying $2400 a month in daycare.
Also, Aaron and I want to get our debt paid off. We currently have medical bills, credit cards, and student loans. We have set out a plan to have our debt paid off (with the exception of Aaron's loans) by December 2011. Now that we are putting Jax in daycare that may take longer. That and we know that most things don't go as planned... But I have to admit that this fever has fueled the fire and has made me more diligent, driven, motivated and all that to get it paid down quicker and for good. I cannot tell you how much better I will feel knowing that we no longer have credit card debt and our student loans are gone. We will both be breathing a huge sigh of relief when that happens. Aaron plans to get a second, part-time job on the weekends once he starts his new contract job (he can't start it before then or he won't be able to collect unemployment) so we can have some extra cash to pay debt down quicker and we've contemplated maybe finding a place that we can share rent on with my mom once our lease is up in May. It might only save us a couple hundred a month, but even that can stretch a long way in the scheme of things.
So really it comes down to finances. Damn you, money! Why do you have to make the world go round? I'd like to live in a world where love and sunshine are the currency of choice (it'll never happen, but I'm a dreamer so sue me...). Instead, I'm stuck listening to the constant ticking and tocking of my biological clock going, "Hello!!??!! Don't you hear me?? I'm calling for you!" all the time because you had to rear your ugly head. It's like a person hearing voices they don't want to...and I'm going to end up going insane if the incessant chatter doesn't stop. Sigh. I know good things come to those who wait, but let me tell you that I'm not a patient person. I'm the one squirming uncontrollably in my seat and pulling my hair out while screaming. I'm a go-getter. I don't like waiting. When I want something I'm determined to go get it and immediately put myself on a fast track. I like deadlines, and even better... I like meeting them. I don't procrastinate otherwise I will go crazy. I'm anal like that... yes, and it drives my husband bonkers. So, really this whole finance thing is derailing my timeline and it's making me twitch. Ay carumba.
In addition to the big issue of finances, there's also this itty bitty personal goal I'd like to reach before getting pregnant again and that would be to lose another 30 pounds to get myself in shape, get used to living a healthier life, and have more confidence about my outer, er...beauty?? Yeah, I don't think I can really call it that. I look like the Michelin Man. Oh well. I want to feel sexy and womanly and even the least bit attractive. My husband says he still finds me beautiful every day, but I want to be able to see it in his face without the words even coming out of his mouth. Plus, if I'm in better shape when I get pregnant, it will be easier for me to stay that way through my pregnancy and after.
I realize that so much can happen in a year or two and on one side it doesn't look so bad. I mean one or two years can go by very fast. But on the other side of it all it seems like an eternity. Anyone who has traveled the road of TTC (trying to conceive---although if you've been or are there I wouldn't need to explain that acronym to you) or even waiting to TTC knows exactly what I mean. Days seem like weeks, weeks seem like months, and months seem like years. Years seem like...well you get the idea. And it can be a hard road to travel, especially if you have trouble getting pregnant. Thus far Aaron and I have been fortunate enough to not have any fertility problems (and multiple praises to Jesus for that!!), but even without that added pressure there's a lot of anxiety to be found in family planning.
In all honesty I know the best thing for our family is to wait, but waiting is so hard to do especially when you have a strong desire for it. It can be a torment if the call goes unanswered for too long. I'm trying with all my might to be patient and focus on the tasks at hand, but it's not as easy as it looks. I think I'll need some of God's magic dust on this one...
'Cuz I gots da fever...and it aint goin' away anytime soon.
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