My mind is playing tricks...

This is just really a random thought that I've been having lately. It could mean absolutely nothing, but it's truly bugging the hell out of me.

So, obviously I am pregnant. I haven't made much of a secret of it which is usually unwise until you've hit the "safe point" (not that there's ever really a point in pregnancy where you are exempt from any complications...) because then your chances of a miscarriage are way down and your chances of carrying a healthy baby are increased. It's pretty common knowledge that it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I'm pregnant so I let the cat out of the bag a wee bit earlier than I typically would. Well, lately I've had thoughts of miscarriage on my mind and I don't know why.

I'm a member on Babycenter and have been since I found out I was pregnant with Jayden. Not one time with him or Jax did I ever really give much thought to miscarriage. Not because I thought it didn't happen often, but I just never really felt any reason to worry that my pregnancies were conflicted at all...and sure enough I carried both of them to term without problems. For some reason I've been thinking awfully hard about miscarriage the last couple weeks with Little Sprout. I haven't been given any reason to worry except for the spotting at 5 weeks but even then I was told everything was perfectly fine. However, something has me truly paranoid and I just can't put my finger on it.

There's been a lot of miscarriage threads the past few weeks on my birth board, but even that's not unusual...same thing happened on Jayden & Jaxson's birth boards. So why now? Some people say that moms just know, like they have intuition... so then that has me even more paranoid because I never really gave miscarriage any thought when I was pregnant with the boys and I had no problems. But with LS I keep thinking about it and it makes me think "Is something wrong with Little Sprout?" or "Am I going to have a miscarriage?". Chances are probably not, but these days counting down to my next ultrasound are driving me to the brink of insanity.


Another thing is that between this upcoming ultrasound and the last one I had is roughly 6 weeks... that's a huge margin of time for something to go wrong. Sure, we saw Little Sprout's flickering heartbeat at 6 weeks & 4 days... but will we see it on Monday? Or will it be gone? So many women on my board are saying that they saw the heartbeat at their first ultrasound and then the baby just stopped at their next one. Will that be me? With the boys I didn't have an ultrasound until my 8th week of pregnancy. Sure, it's not at the "safe point", but it's still closer than 6 weeks. Both are considered early pregnancy, but 6 weeks is really early. And each week that you go with seeing a heartbeat gets you to a place where the odds are more in your favor.

Then I tell myself not to worry because I'm still having all my symptoms. My morning sickness is better some days, then worse on others. I never really had symptoms with the boys and I had great pregnancies, so then I reason with myself that because I'm still having my symptoms that Little Sprout must be okay. And I even swore up and down I felt some light flutters the other day (I felt them around this time with Jaxson as well). But then I hear about "missed miscarriages" where some women still have symptoms even after their baby has died.

All in all I know I just need to breathe. I just hate this whole early pregnancy stage where everything feels like a gamble... and I always play it safe. I don't like to gamble. As a matter of fact, I've never ever stepped foot into a casino to gamble. Not even the slots. I'm just anxiously waiting for Monday morning to roll around so that I can hopefully put my fears to rest... or receive news I wondered could be coming. Either way, I just want a solid answer. If I see that Little Sprout is still thriving and they can see a heartbeat then all of my fears will be completely gone and I'll feel confident without a doubt that I have nothing to worry about. So it's all about playing the waiting game again. Time is my worst enemy right now.

Please pray for me or keep me in your thoughts that I can have peace of mind between now and Monday morning and even more that Little Sprout is still thriving as he/she should be. I know these next 6 days are going to feel like an eternity.

Ah, welcome to the crazy mind of a hormonal, pregnant woman...