Just need to vent...

I've found myself just plain stressed and frustrated over the last couple of days about a number of things, but especially one central theme moreso than the others. Here are my woes as of late, starting with the more minor ones...

First, just minor things around our house keep going wrong. I cannot blame nesting for my anal behavior because I'm only 16 weeks, but my relatively Type A, neat freak attitube I cannot say the same for. First off, it just seems like our apartment is falling apart. The carpets are trashed because our apartments are just shitty so they use the cheapest carpet available, the walls are dirty because they used cheap paint that you can't even wipe with a wet rag without the paint coming off, the drywall and wood around the corners of the wall are cracking and falling off... we just had that fixed in addition to having them fix the shitty caulking job in the bathroom which caused water damage to the floorboards which then caused us to have a recurring silverfish infestation that we had pest control fix last week (don't even get me started on that fiasco and the unprofessional douchebag who tried to lock my MIL and one year old baby outside of the apartment without any warning...). Now our fridge is leaking, parts are breaking...and they won't give us a new fridge because it's a pain in the ass for them. Nevermind the fact we've lived with it for 3 years... Oh, and just when we thought we were done with pests? Ha, we're not. Now we have fleas. Our cat is indoors so we've never had a problem until now. They are eating my cat alive (who now has scabs all up his back), they are biting Jayden, and are now trying to hop on Jaxson which is making him scratch. So, this weekend we get to flea bomb our house and shampoo our carpet with Borax. Yay. Let me just say I will be so happy come February so I move out of this POS, ghetto apartment.

Second, I'm frustrated that I keep needing to take time off from work to cover for random crap. My boss is gracious enough, but it stresses me out because I always feel like I'm putting my job at risk. He says, "eh, life happens" but I often wonder if that's something he says to my face, but thinks otherwise. I could be overanalyzing, but it just makes me feel horrible.

Then yesterday, I went to Taco Bell to get free dinner. Last time I went there they screwed up my order royally and I complained so they said the next one was on the house. So, I went inside the store with Jayden and it took them 25 MINUTES to get my order!!! I thought with fast food there was an element of fast to it... heck, I've had faster service at Red Robin! Anyway, I'm standing at the front counter waiting to place my order and no one is there...mind you there are about 5 people standing in the kitchen area who can see me just waiting there. Not one person acknowledged me. I stood there for 5 minutes before someone came out...and the place was dead. There were maybe 2-3 other people eating in the restaurant and a couple in the drive thru. No lines inside. One employee is texting on his phone in the kitchen and the others were slowly making some food for the people in the drive thru. I explained my situation and that the manager told me my next meal was on the house and I gave them the voucher so she wrote my order down on a slip and gave it to the people in the kitchen.

Here's what I ordered:
2 regular Chicken burrito meal deals for the boys (comes with a drink & chips)
2 Chicken burritos with Lava Sauce (for Aaron)
and a #6-- 2 Chalupa meal (comes with 2 Chalupas, a crunchy taco, and a drink)

First she only handed me two drink cups when I was supposed to have 3. Then when they handed me the bag of food, here's what I ended up getting:
1 Chicken burrito meal deal
3 Chicken burritos with Lava Sauce
3 Chalupas-- no crunchy taco

So, she had to remake a crunchy taco and give me another bag of chips & another regular chicken burrito. And that was AFTER I'd waited 25 minutes...so I had to wait longer.

Oh, and while I was waiting, a patron who had been in the drive thru came inside to complain that they forgot a bunch of his order too--- which was what scored me the free meal to begin with because they forgot half my order the last time I came in. Seriously, what kind of people do they have working there that they can't even remember a simple order? They were screwing up left and right!! Ugh. If my family didn't like Taco Bell so much or if there was one closer to me, I'd just have left. I was royally irritated.

In addition I hadn't been feeling good all day thanks to the pregnancy. I'd been nauseous, had heartburn, and a headache all day long. Well, then apparently the Taco Bell didn't help matters because I ended up puking my guts out all night long... and this is where I really started to get irritated.

Aaron must be missing a compassionate bone... or several. Because when I said how I'd been puking his only comment to me was, "Well at least now you know how other pregnant women feel...". Yeah, because that's just what your wife wants to hear when she's barfing. After that, I crawled up on the couch trying to rest in between puking and he kept asking me questions when I just wanted to be left alone. "Can I do this? "Can I do that?" "Where is the remote?". My response? "I feel like crap right now and I really don't care." So what does he say, "I'm sorry you feel like crap, but do you need to be so mean to me?".

So I'm mean because I told him I don't care? Oh, and then today I asked him if we could hire a doula for this birth. We are on a budget so I'm specifically looking for a student doula because a lot of them have to do 3 free births towards their certification so I'd be getting my doula and it wouldn't impact our budget. When he asked why I wanted a doula I was honest with him. I told him that I didn't feel like I had gotten the level of support I really needed during my pregnancy, labor, and delivery with the boys. Some dads/husbands are really hands-on and involved in every aspect-- they are excited, eager to learn, etc. Mine is not... at all. He slept through the majority of both my labors while I labored with my mom (who is not natural birth minded), he didn't study the Hypnobabies material with Jaxson that he said he would read for weeks (I finally got discouraged and put it away after it sat on our table, untouched for over a month), and he even (according to my mom) was playing video games with his brother in our living room as we were trying to get ready to leave for the hospital when Jaxson was born. When I wrote him that e-mail about why I wanted a doula, and I told him I wasn't trying to be mean to him but I did want to be honest about how I felt, his only comment to me was this: "Well, that e-mail was the equivalent of beating my self-esteem with a bat". Really? I just told you how you've made me feel for the duration of my pregnancies and the only thing you can say is centered around you?? No, "Well, I'm sorry that I've made you feel that way. It wasn't my intention."??

This is one thing that really bugs me about my husband. I say something honestly and I do it in a way so he will hopefully not take it personally, but he always turns on the defensive and makes it into something about him. He's so concerned with himself and his feelings that he doesn't consider the feelings of those around him. I tell him I feel like crap--- he yells at me for "being mean" to him with some half-ass, sympathetic "apology". He asks me why I'd like a doula, I tell him it's because I've felt really unsupported by him when I really needed him--- and he's most concerned about his self-esteem?? I'm not asking that all attention be on me... but I know if the roles were reversed, I'd feel bad that I'd made him feel that way and I'd apologize. Or if he was sick, I'd ask him if there was anything I could do to help him. Maybe it's a difference in personalities? I don't know, but I don't think he's aware of truly how self-centered a lot of his comments are.

I love my husband and I know he means well, and for a lot of guys this is a similar, recurring theme. It's hard for them to connect and understand pregnancy like us women do because they don't experience it the way we do on a daily basis. It's hard for them to connect to something they cannot see or feel. I get that, really I do. But that doesn't mean that I don't wish that he was more understanding or compassionate or involved. There are a lot of moments where I really do feel like I'm going through this all alone. And it doesn't help when I hear things from people that he's said things like, "Oh, I'm just along for the ride...". Really? What are you riding? Because I feel like I'm on a nonstop roller coaster. I didn't just jump on top of myself and get pregnant. I'm not in this by myself and nor do I want to be. This isn't something that you just skate through while your wife takes the brunt of it. It's supposed to be a shared experience, and I wish he would share it with me.

And lastly... I feel like he just doesn't listen. I asked him if he could buy some groceries for the next couple days until we get paid so that there's stuff for lunches and dinners for the kids... so he buys lunchmeat, a loaf of bread, some fruit, and a thing of eggs. No butter, no cheese, no "meals". Ugh. And I've also asked him to help me get the kids ready in the morning because he only gets himself ready for work and then leaves...and leaves me to get Jayden ready while I get ready and try to deal with Jaxson until Nana Joan shows up. I end up running late getting out the door which means I don't get Jayden to daycare by 8:00 which then means that they don't serve him breakfast, so I have to stop at McDonald's to get him breakfast, which then makes me late to work. Rinse and repeat....like 2-3 times a week. I get so stressed and overwhelmed and me talking to him apparently does nothing.

Ugh, there are just some days I just want to slam my head into a wall, and the last 24 hours have been just that. :(