Mom Meltdown

This past Sunday was coined "Mom Meltdown Day" by me. Not only did I have one of my own, but so did my mom and my mother-in-law. Must have been something in the water.

While I worry about my mother-in-law in some ways, she's got a way of bouncing back pretty quickly. But she has my husband and our family...and she knows that. She's told us on numerous occasions that she's so grateful to have us and we've been her saving grace. I called her today to check on her and she said she's doing much better today. Like everyone (and boy do I know because I've been there!!) she just has some days where she's just sad. And for no reason. But you know what? That's totally okay. I've had those days where I'm just inexplicably in a funk.

However, my mom is a completely different story. To be honest, I don't know what to do. I had a lengthy conversation with her yesterday and I worry about her a lot, but I just feel like I'm at a crossroads. I want to help her, but I don't know how and I hate that I don't have the answers. Part of me feels like I need to "save" her, but then on the other hand I know that I don't have control over her life and so that makes me feel like maybe I should just forget about it and focus on my life since I know that I can at least make changes to something I "own", you know? So what do you do? I'm a Christian woman. I'm not perfect by all means and am by definition a sinner, but I have accepted Christ into my life and recognize him as my Saviour. I believe He died on the cross for my sins and I've devoted my life to following Him. I'm not "old school". I don't tote around my Bible singing hymns and reciting scripture by heart, although I do believe in His word whole-heartedly. I'm very open-minded. I'm acceptant of same-sex partnerships, I'm not racist, I don't measure Christians by any indicators of their faith, I don't discriminate against others who don't share my faith, etc... but I do have a natural desire to help others open their minds to God. Trust me, you won't see me forcing church down your throat... I just talk from my personal experiences and extend an open invitation. I'm not a pushy person by any means (which explains why I always was so horrible in my retail jobs... I hate sales & retail!).

How does this relate to my mom, do you ask? Well, to understand it a little more fully, here's my mom's story. She's in her early fifties (not that she looks like it at all) and has been divorced for the last 3 years. She's desperate (and I do mean DESPERATE) to have a man in her life. I understand the desire... and I know she wants to grow old with someone. But she's wasting time and money on these dumb dating sites to meet guys who are never going to meet her expectations or be with her for the right reasons. I've done dating sites in my past and they are crap. Every single one. They are only an excuse designed to rip you off with promises of finding your "perfect match" but setting you up with other desperate singles who can't sustain a relationship because they are lazy, have a shady past, can't otherwise find a date for whatever reason, or just want to get some ass. Not saying that this is typical of all people on dating sites but for the majority... it's true. And so my mom has been disappointed. She's upset and miserable because she still doesn't have a man and it's been years. This has made her depressed and frankly she's just become a different person. Between not having a stable relationship and watching family and pets die, she's becoming very emotionally unstable and I'm frightened for her. I've tried to explain to her that she won't find "substance" in people on dating sites and that she should try a different avenue.

I've tried to get her to open her mind to the idea of Jesus thinking that maybe if she started going to church and creating a different lifestyle for herself that she might find the "substance" in the friends and companions she is looking for...people who are loving and selfless just as she is. I'm not saying that she should use the church as a dating service by any means, but I know how important it is to have people around you who care about you and support you and church has been a good way for me to connect with good, wholesome people while creating a working relationship with God. That relationship saved me. I love my husband dearly and am thankful that we are both connected through our faith, but I know that if something ever happened to my relationship with him, I'd still always have God...and that fills me. Maybe, just maybe establishing a relationship with God and opening her heart to a different faith will help her to become fulfilled in a whole new way. She could meet people who are walking the same road as her, make new friends, and maybe in time meet that guy for her that she never knew existed. The reason I feel so adamant that this could work for her is because I walked the same road as she did, but at a much younger age. I might not be 53, but I went through the same experiences as her in a 20 year old body.

While I cannot expect her to just turn to God because I said so (as it is a completely personal journey) I have to say that she just flat out surprised me yesterday: She thinks that God is punishing her. She thinks that He hates her and doesn't want her and that she's been cursed by the devil. She tells me of a vision she had when she was five...she said she saw two burning red eyes staring at her from across her bedroom so she hid under the covers and then she felt something touch her and breathing on her, but when she turned around nothing was there. She now thinks that that "being" was Satan, and now she's "damaged goods" and nothing good is destined to come to her life. She thinks that God is just a big bully who preys on the weak. What do I say to that? I KNOW that isn't true, but I don't feel qualified enough to be able to give her a good enough answer. Even speaking from my heart I cannot convey enough to her that God isn't spiteful. Bad things happen to good people, but God is not out to "get" anyone. It's not like He's sitting up there frying us little ants with his big magnifiying glass for the amusement of torture. Not that she'd listen to me anyway as she's too darned stubborn. How do I guide her? I can't just leave her feeling helpless and defeated. In my quest to help her, though, I've started to feel the same way myself. But I can't give up. But when is enough, enough? Do I give up? When? How do I help her? Is it even my place?

The thing that kills me is that I know my mom's heart. There is so much good in her, and therefore I refuse to believe that nothing good can come to her. I'm not even saying that God is the answer for her, because for some people He's not and to each their own, but it's just natural for me to want Him to pull on her heartstrings. To be honest, I feel like it's her only hope. She's rapidly deteriorating emotionally, and I know that my Christian faith is the one thing that brought me to the surface when I felt like I was drowning. I was saved. And I'm so thankful for His love. Only He knows where I'd be if I had not come to Him...and I'm thankful to be spared that knowledge. My own gratitude has led me to help others seek their own faith and I want so desperately for my mom to find that too, but I'm scared that she won't and that she will miss out on the best relationship of her life. The one that fulfills beyond anything. My heart is full, why can't hers be?

In the back of my mind I wonder if I just won't hear from her one day. I'm scared that I'm going to get a call saying my mom is dead...or worse yet, that I'd find her that way. It's THAT bad... I'm not just scared for my mom's heart, but her life. She's being consumed by her own depression and grief. She even told me not to get pregnant again and she'd be mad at me if I did because everytime my sister or I get pregnant, someone in the family dies. My uncle currently has cancer and she knows Aaron and I want another child and she's afraid that if we have another baby, my uncle will die because of it (needless to say I won't be telling any family for awhile when I do get pregnant because it's apparently not in their nature to be even remotely happy for me having a child...but that's another story entirely). My mom is consumed by death...and she thinks it's coming for her. She always says, "I'm not going to be around much longer. I've got maybe 20 years left...".

I'm just scared. I've been praying but I just don't know what else to do. I know it's not in my control to save my mother, but she needs saving some way, somehow. I'm so lost and torn and I just want my mom to be happy and fulfilled. If only she knew that she can have happiness if only she'd be open to trying something new...

Please pray for my mom. There is so much power in prayer and I know that God's plan for her life will be revealed some day. All in His timing...